it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
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We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.