it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
You Might Also Like
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack