it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
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Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.