it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
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You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Challenge accepted.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I hope Alan is OK
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
you have three unread messages
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao