it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs