it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
This kinda thing happens to me often
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.