it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you