Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

They’re called werewolves.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.