It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*