It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯