It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
You Might Also Like
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home