@meghaffer

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

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@coalslag

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

@timdonakowski

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

@evilbart24

Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them

@cravin4

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

@SketchesbyBoze

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

@rachelle_mandik

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

@WildGuess29

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

@PellMull

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

@librarianfonz

Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.

@notalogin

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.