It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.


Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them


I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.


Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!


I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.


Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.


I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.


Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.


I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.