It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
You Might Also Like
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Meanwhile in Portland…
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.