It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
You Might Also Like
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.