it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
You Might Also Like
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes