Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

😉

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?