it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
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Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.