It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
