It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.