It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.