It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
