It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Dear Lord..
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
