It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
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Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.