Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

the #horror is real!

some cats are just doing for fun!

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.