it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
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Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding