it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
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If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden