It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Dance like you’re not the father
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?