It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
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The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.