Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

i meant to share this earlier

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!