It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
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Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Close call…
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you