Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…