it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
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“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.