it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck