Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.