Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.