Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

Happy Halloween 🎃

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.