ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
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My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.
Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.