@skittle624

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

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@roxiqt

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

@JustDontBugMe

My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.

@dmc1138

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

@TheDailySchmuck

I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.

@botandy

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@Contwixt

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

@bazecraze

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

@LittleMissAngr1

I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.