@skittle624

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

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@SteveKoehler22

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

@Marcmywords2

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

@Tmoney68

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

@QuintinForbes

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

@jonlovett

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?

@panmidwest

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

@ericsshadow

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”

@lukeoneil47

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream