It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke


My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.


Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.


I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.


You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.


Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.


Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?


Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”


I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.