Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Some people were born into their job.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

These dogs look like they have good credit.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice