It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
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Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person