It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.