It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
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Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Worth the read.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”