Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

Good dog. ❤️

There is no “ea” in Tim.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.