It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
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Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
philosophical skeletons be like
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
this makes me so uncomfortable
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK