It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
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I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I don’t hate children, just yours.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
😏😏😏
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.