It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
![]()
You Might Also Like
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
![]()
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having