It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.