It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I was just discussing this with my cat
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.