Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.