It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking