It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.