It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.