It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
An odd boast
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
They did not think through this water fountain
When you “pspspsp” too hard
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”