It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
If a snake ate a cake
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift