It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Boom, boom, ching!
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.