it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity