it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
A wise man once said nothing.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Baking is just science you can eat.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left