It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair