It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Happy Star Wars day!
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.