Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche