Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life