Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet