Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working