It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Not all heroes wear capes…
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
wtf management?!
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.