It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.