Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

😂🤣😂🤣

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field