Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.