Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

My current situation

Those are good neighbors.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.