@UnFitz

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

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@patrickmarkryan

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

@aligarchy

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

@chloethesiren

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

@dadanddisorderl

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

@ojedge

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

@UnFitz

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

@Brianhopecomedy

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

@SnarkyMommy78

3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything

@shhhitsokaynow

I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared