@UnFitz

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

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@Tommytoughstuff

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

@teen_news69

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

@juliussharpe

My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.

@ihateitmunky

a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket

@Tups13

As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.

@roxiqt

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

@3sunzzz

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

@215potter

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…