[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
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LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket
As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…