It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
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Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
the icebreaker
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
everyone’s a critic
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.