It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal