Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

Body by cheese-puffs.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

🤣😂🤣😂

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.