It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Jesus Christ lmao
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili