“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.