“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
You Might Also Like
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams