“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.