Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Looking at you, Jesus.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

My sex drive has a dui

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel