it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
You Might Also Like
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Finally, a door that understands me
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
“The Perfect Relationship”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Today’s Times
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.