Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down