It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
You Might Also Like
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]